Sesshomaru Strikes Back
by Orange of Doom
Summary: Inu-Yasha and the others face the most dire threat yet--Naraku's most fearsome detachment, Serenity Moonbeam the Unicorn Princess, Dread Queen of the Mary Sues. Will Sesshomaru be able to kill them, or will the diabolical Sue-Queen melt his heart? (No.)
1. Mommy!

Chapter 1: Mommy!

D/C: I don't own Inu-Yasha.

Sesshomaru was lying in the forest, eyes closed.  _Damn them_, he thought angrily.  _Why does it always begin with me lying in a forest, wounded?  It never fails.  Next thing you know—_

He flinched as he caught the telltale scent of flowery perfume.  _Who will it be this time, he wondered, a feeling of dread settling in his stomach.  _And how hard will they be to kill?__

"Oh, Sess!"  The voice was soft, female, and enough to make him cringe.  The dog hanyou bent down over him, beautiful blue-green eyes filled with tears.  Her thick dark hair fell across her ivory shoulders in gentle waves, and her revealing black clothing showed him that, indeed, she had curves in all the right places.

_Don't call me Sess, you filthy little hanyou_, he thought angrily.  _I am the Lord of the Western Lands, and you're just—_

"Don't you remember me?" The hanyou pursed her full pink lips.  "Oh, Sess!"

_How can I remember which one of those idiots you are?  Why do you people keep following me?  And why the hell_ _am I still in this forest?  How did I get injured, anyway?_

The hanyou smiled gently.  "It's all right, Sess.  I'll take care of you, and someday you'll remember me."  She gently stroked his hair.  _What am I, your pet?  Sesshomaru wished he could growl, but the same thing that had dumped him in this godforsaken forest was apparently keeping him from doing anything to this idiot, including ripping her slender throat apart._

"Sakura!  What are you doing?"  A cat hanyou, her purple hair drifting over her equally revealing clothing, approached.  "Sess is _mine_!"  Her gold-flecked eyes narrowed.

"He is not, Koneko!"

"You're both wrong!"  A third person, this one a human, drew her katana.  "_I'm _his lady, not you two!  He chose me to be Rin's mother!"

"He did not!  He chose me!"  The black-haired inuhanyou—Sakura—took some ofuda out of her extremely tight bodice.  "You had better leave, Amethyst—even though I'm a hanyou, I'm special enough to use miko powers since my mother was a priestess!"

"Well, I have shards of the Jewel!"  Koneko hissed angrily.  "Besides, Fluffy rescued _me from my life of servitude and torture to my cruel, unappreciative family to be Rin's mother!"_

"I'm Rin's mother!" Sakura said, pouting.

_No, you're not_, Sesshomaru thought angrily.  _Rin__ is completely human, and you are a hanyou.  And did that cat call me Fluffy_?__

The three women's conversation degenerated into a slapping fight until Amethyst (_That's not a Japanese name_, Sesshomaru snarled) broke a nail.  Meanwhile, Rin snuck over to Sesshomaru with Jaken.

"Are they really my mommies, Sesshomaru-sama?" she asked.

"Most definitely not."  Sesshomaru was suddenly, magically, totally healed, including his missing left arm.  _Must have been one of those idiots' ridiculous healing powers_, he decided.

"Sess!  Don't leave us!"  Koneko, Sakura, and Amethyst cried plaintively.

"I'll wait for you, my lord!" Sakura called.  "I'll wait for you to remember our happy childhood together!"

"Even though I may never see you again, I still love you!"  Koneko sighed.  "You saved my life, Sess, and someday I'll save yours!"

"I'm glad I got a chance to melt your heart of ice and show you that humans are your friends," Amethyst said, tears filling her eyes as she clasped her hands together.  "I know that you'll come back someday so we can raise Rin together!"

Sesshomaru hesitated, then turned around.  The three women sighed happily, realizing that their true love was going to bid them a fond farewell before leaving on his journey.  Then Sesshomaru drew his sword.

"Blasted fools," he said as he killed all three.  "Come, Rin."

"Sesshomaru-sama is so cool!" Rin said.  Then she blinked.  "Sesshomaru-sama, did you find me a mommy?"

"Hardly."  Sesshomaru sheathed Toukijin.  "Mommies aren't necessary."  He started to walk away when he heard the telltale snap of a twig under a delicately shod foot.  _Oh, no…there are more of them?_  He turned slowly, dreading what he would see.

Ten more women, each beautiful and scantily clad, stood there happily.  "Sess!" they shouted, running towards him.  Startled, Sesshomaru grabbed Rin and ran until the terrifying women had vanished.  Sighing, he sat down—right beside another woman as it turned out.  Sesshomaru took one look at her purple eyes and fainted.

Rin looked at Sesshomaru, blinking, then poked him with a stick.  His eyes snapped open and he sat up, sighing.  "Rin?"

"Yes, Sesshomaru-sama?"

"Is she still there?"  Rin nodded.  _Poor Sesshomaru-sama, _she thought as he fainted again.  _He needs his mommy.  _


	2. The Most Horrible Demon

Chapter 2: The Most Horrible Demon

D/C: I don't own Inu-Yasha.  Which is sad, because it would make me a mint.  *sighs*

Sesshomaru glared at Inu-Yasha.  _Why the hell__ am I here?_ he wondered.  _Since when do I ask that wizened old hag for advice?_

"Surprised, Sesshomaru?"  Kaede, the aforementioned hag, sat down across from him.  "Do you not know why you're here?"

"Of course I know why," Sesshomaru scoffed.  "It's to kidnap Kagome and—"  _Did__ I just say that?_

Inu-Yasha growled.  "You bastard!"

"Inu-Yasha, it's not his fault."  Kaede nodded.  "He can't help acting out-of-character.  It's a plague, Sesshomaru, one that will soon destroy us all."  She waited for the lighting to dim so that she could have a sufficiently dramatic pose.  "It is…(dramatic pause)…Naraku."

"Huh?"  Inu-Yasha blinked.  "Naraku is making Sesshomaru go crazy?"

"No, not Naraku.  One of his most terrifying detachments…(dramatic pause)…Serenity Moonbeam the Unicorn Princess!"

Stunned silence filled the room.

"Se.._Serenity_?  Serenity _Moonbeam_?"  Inu-Yasha blinked.  "What the hell kind of a name is SERENITY MOONBEAM?  It's not even Japanese!  And what the hell is a unicorn doing in feudal Japan?"

"Inu-Yasha, you're trying to think of this logically.  While I applaud your effort to be intelligent, such things cannot work when dealing with these demons.  Not even Naraku can control them.  Already, their influence is destroying him."  Once again, Kaede assumed a dramatic pose.  "The Mary-Sues are wreaking havoc on the most precious item in the land, one which controls even uber-villains like Naraku."

_Did she just say uber-villain?  Dear gods, what is this?  Wait—did I just say dear gods?  Am I religious?  I didn't think I was religious…oh, no!_

"They're corrupting the Shikon no Tama?" Inu-Yasha exclaimed.  "We have to stop them!  Come on, Kagome!"  Kagome, who had suddenly appeared in order to help the story along, blinked.

"It's not the Shikon no Tama, you idiots!"  Kaede gave Inu-Yasha a death glare.  "It's the goddess Canonica.  The Sues have imprisoned and brainwashed her, along with her servants: Point of View, Dramatic Convention, Grammar, and Style.  Each one of them is required to keep some modicum of sanity in this world, and the Sues will destroy them all."

Everyone stared randomly at Kaede, who was making no sense at all.  Finally, Inu-Yasha grabbed Kagome and left, muttering about idiotic old hags.  Sesshomaru stood up to leave.

"Sesshomaru, wait."  Kaede handed him a small package.  "I must confess that I'm pinning all my hopes on you.  You're the strongest, bravest—"  She shook her head.  "You're slightly more intelligent than Inu-Yasha, and you won't mind killing them all."

Sesshomaru, trying to remain in character, ignored her.  _Idiotic old hag.__  No, wait, that's what Inu-Yasha said.  She's a human, a stupid human.  That's what I call people.  Weak, pathetic, humans.  Mortals.  That's my insult, not idiotic or old.  I am not at all like my brother.  Wait a minute, why am I thinking like this?  This isn't how I think!_

"I must get back into my mindset," he murmured.  He concentrated, then began repeating the Special Mantra of Sesshomaru.

"I am a cold-hearted, sadistic murderer.  I hate humans.  I am not anyone's long-lost brother.  I do not have a harem of hanyou and human women who have melted my heart.  I kill people when they talk back to me.  Rin does not need a mother, and I am not to be called Fluffy."  He nodded, pleased with himself.  _Well done, indeed._

He felt so pleased with himself the rest of the day that he only stomped on Jaken twice.


	3. She Dots Her Eyes With Hearts

Chapter 3: She Dots Her Eyes With Hearts

D/C: I don't own Inu-Yasha.

Jade looked at herself in the mirror.  It was really incredible—she had beautiful black hair streaming down her back and incredible purple eyes.  Then she reached up and took off the wig.

Her hair was still black, but it wasn't the shiny, vibrant black of the Sues.  It was also short and straight, tied back in a ponytail for convenience.  Her eyes were also black when the contacts came out.  And her name was _definitely_ not Jade.

"Are you acting _normal_?"  Jade turned around and sighed.  The other woman was wearing a frilly pink dress that perfectly highlighted her ivory skin and golden hair.  Her eyes were emerald, and Jade suspected that if she looked at them closely the pupils would be heart-shaped.

"Yes."  Jade picked up her dagger, scowling.  "What are you going to do about it?"

"I am your _Queen_."  The woman gestured to the pink crystal tiara.  "I'm Serenity Moonbeam, the—"

"The Unicorn Princess."  _Least Intelligent of Naraku's detachments, Leader of the Raven-Haired Idiots.  Makes me dress like a Sue.  Has approximately zero original thoughts every day._

"Jade—I have a mission for you.  It will be difficult, I know, but you're the only person I can trust to do this."  _I'm the only intelligent person here, you mean._  Jade always knew what Serenity meant; it was easy to speak Suevian, provided you could ignore the idiocy of it.

Serenity sighed, and flowers appeared around her.  The air sparkled as she clasped her porcelain hands over her bosom.  "Jade, for many years I have ruled this kingdom."  _Or not.__  You were created by Naraku, remember?_  "And all these years, I have selflessly given of myself to make my people great.  But I am human, too."  _You're  a__ demon.   A demon, not a human.  Repeat after me: I-AM-A-DEMON._  "And I need love."

Jade blinked.  She suddenly had a terrible premonition that Serenity was going to send her to do something mind-numbingly stupid and pointless.  _No, wait; that's just my common sense talking…_

"I was walking in the Flowery Forest the other day when I saw a man whose beauty matched my own, whose grace and bearing were better than my own handmaidens, whose very presence made my heart flutter."  She sighed, a pale pink blush coloring her alabaster cheeks.  "We were made for each other, Jade, but alas!"  _Alas…__she just said alas…_Jade sighed.  _I have to get out of here before I start talking like these idiots._  "Alas, outside forces keep us from our love.  My master, Naraku, has forbidden me to care for this man!  Oh, Jade!"  Her tears were like cubic zirconium—shiny, pretty, and not the real deal.  "Please—I need you to find my love and tell him that I will wait for him in the clearing where we met.  Please, Jade, please!"

"How much will you pay me?"

"Jade, love is priceless!  Besides, I have plenty of money inherited from my parents before they were tragically killed by Naraku, who kidnapped me and—"

"Yeah, yeah.  So—who is he?"

Serenity blinked.  "I never heard his name."  _Oh, no._  "I didn't even see his face."  _Oh, gods, no.__  I know what's coming next._  "But I felt it in my heart—our love has bound us together, and I know that you will find him for me!"

"Anything, my lady."  Jade bowed—that irritated Serenity, who disapproved of women who didn't curtsy.  "I will gladly find your nameless, faceless soulmate, since there is nothing stronger than love."

"Oh, thank you!"  Serenity's eyes glistened.  "Thank you, Jade!"

Jade sighed.  _That was sarcasm, Serenity…_


	4. Another Bloody Forest

Chapter 4: Another Bloody Forest

Kudos to sparklingcyanide for figuring out Jade's name!

D/C: multiple choice: I don't own a) Inu-Yasha; b) the Hope Diamond, c) Microsoft Corporation, d) all of the above.  Correct answer? D.  So no lawsuits, please.

Jade looked around, frowning.  "Now…if I was a bishonen, where would I hide?"   She had a sinking feeling that she actually would find this guy, probably wandering around in a forest somewhere.  _They're always in some damn forest.  What happened to using roads?_

Jade, along with two of Serenity's loyal subjects, had been wandering through this particular forest for three days now.  Sakura (one of the Sakuras, anyway…there seemed to be an infestation of them, to Jade's point of view.  What had happened to giving children different names?) had insisted that she could find their way by following the stars.  Unfortunately, she had the approximate sense of direction of a cabbage, and Xiaolin (_Damn it al!  Chinese names, too? What happened to good old JAPANESE names?_) was scared of bugs.  Jade had a far more practical viewpoint: unlike demons, bugs were easy to squash.

After two hours of this madness, Jade had gotten sick of the two and ditched them.  They were probably walking in circles somewhere, complaining about the dirt.  Jade rather hoped that they would run into a bug demon that would eat them.

Sighing, she realized that another woman was following her.  She was dressed in miko robes—probably one of the Sues that inexplicably looked like members of the regular canon.  _A Kikyo-sue…just what I need right now.  They're probably harder to get rid of, knowing my luck._

"Who are you?"  Jade drew her dagger, ready to fight.  The fact that such a short weapon wouldn't work against arrows was not lost on her, but Sues tended to lower fighting sense. All _they had to do was wave their hands and their enemies' brains rotted.  Come to think of it, so did the brains of their friends…_

"Do you really think you can fight me?"  The woman scoffed.  "I'm out of your league, little girl."__

Jade blinked.  "Huh.  You're not one of them—when they're bitchy, they're a lot bitchier than you.  So you're the real deal?"

"Excuse me?"  Kikyo glared.  "_Them?"_

"The Sues."  Jade sighed.  "They're demons Naraku created to—"  She paused.  "Oh, no.  You knew about it, didn't you?"

"Hmm?"  Kikyo looked interested.  "I knew about what?"

"About the Sues!  You know what Naraku's doing, too."

"Are you insane?  I haven't had anything to do with Naraku in a long time."

"Sorry."   Jade sighed.  "It's just—living with them does weird things to your mind.  _Really _weird things.  I just felt that…I knew what was going to happen."

Kikyo's face remained impassive.  "Most Sues have ridiculous abilities.  So your premonitions and mind-reading isn't surprising."

"Of _course_!  And I can also fly, and my eyes change colors.  Who can't do stuff like that?"  She snorted.  "If I could read minds, I'd occasionally pick up thoughts from the Sues."

"I see."  Kikyo nodded.  "You don't remember."

Jade glared.  "Are you being needlessly dramatic and cryptic in a manner reminiscent of your sister in chapter 2?"

"Yes."  Kikyo turned to leave, because her uses in furthering the plot were quickly becoming limited.  "And you might want to think about your previous statement."

"Huh?"  Jade blinked.  "Which one?  The one where I was saying how stupid the Sues were, the one where I was complaining about their names, the one where—"

"If I'm going to remain in character, I can't be helpful."

"Hey!"   Jade glared.  "Is that always an excuse you have?  We're around Sues here—remember?  The pointless, thoughtless—"  She paused.  "Oh."

_If I could read minds, I'd occasionally pick up thoughts from the Sues?  Hah!  You can't read minds when no mind exists.  No, wait, you can't read them at all.  That's not possible; it's not canon.  Why do these idiots have to screw with my brain so much?_

"Bugger this.  I'm tired of contrivance."   She shook her head, wondering how many more forests she would have to wander through before she found Serenity's One True Love. She was getting seriously irritated.


	5. Lust, Actually

Chapter 5: Lust, Actually (a chapter starring the actual stars of Inu-Yasha!  woohoo!)

D/C: Don't own Inu-Yasha or aforementioned stars.

"Aaagh!  Sango!"  Miroku backed away from the woman in front of him.  "Help?  Please?"

"Why?  I thought you liked pretty women."  Sango looked decidedly uninterested in the woman smiling coquettishly at Miroku.

"Oh, Miroku!"  The Sue threw her arms around the nervous monk.  "I missed you!"  Sango glowered.  "Now we can be together forever!"

"Huh?"  Miroku blinked.  "Um, I can explain…Sango?  Help?"

"Who is _she_?"  The woman turned to look at Sango.  "I thought you swore your undying love to _me!  You said you would never look at another woman!"_

"Heh heh…"  Miroku looked guilty.  "Um…who are you, again?"

"What?"  The Sue gasped.  "I knew it!  You must have amnesia!  Oh, my poor darling!"

"_Excuse me?_"  Sango grabbed the collar of the woman's shirt and yanked her away from Miroku.  "He doesn't have amnesia, he just doesn't remember you!"

"How could he forget me?"  The woman batted her eyes at Miroku, who she had backed against a tree.  "I'm his One True Love!"

"What?"  Sango blinked.  "I didn't know Miroku had one true _anything_."

The Sue batted her violet eyes at him, smiling sweetly.  "Canon characters mean nothing to me," she said.  "You don't have to be romantically involved with her anymore."

"We're not romantically involved!" Sango muttered sullenly.  "I just think he shouldn't be involved with ANY women.  Lechers like him—"

"Miroku is not a lecher!"  Tears filled the Sue's eyes.  "If only you knew him like I did—how sweet he can be, how kind…he swore undying love to me!"

"Er…"  Miroku laughed nervously.  "But I haven't met you before."  He smiled.  "But if you wouldn't mind bearing my child—"

Sango whacked him with her hiraikotsu.  "He _is_ a lech, you idiot!" she said.

"Excuse me?"  The woman turned to look at Sango.  "How dare you?  I happen to be an extremely powerful demon sorceress, you know.  With a wave of my hand, I can—"

"Oh, dear gods."  Sango rolled her eyes.  "You're a Sue, aren't you?"  She looked thoughtful.  "Well, Sues are demons made by Naraku, so..."  She threw her hiraikotsu at the Sue, who dissolved in a whirl of pink sparkles instead of the standard blood-and-guts that usually accompanied killing demons.

Miroku sighed.  "Sango, wasn't that a little hasty?"

"Why?  She was a demon."  Sango looked distastefully at the glitter that dusted the floor of the forest (of course they're in a forest!).

"I know."  Miroku nodded.  "But couldn't you have waited until she answered my question—aagh!"  Sango nonchalantly whacked him, sending him sprawling into the glitter.  He got up, indignantly brushing himself off.

"At least you stayed in character," Sango muttered.  "Pervert."

********random marks to denote changing of scene********

"Mommy!"  Shippo ran up to Kagome happily.  "Mommy!"

"Shippo's your _child?"  Inu-Yasha looked shocked.  "Kagome!  I thought that you were faithful to me, even though I'm a heartless bastard who will dump you for Kikyo and then, when you find somebody new, decide I love you again!  How could you do this to me?"  He got up and went in the corner to be angsty.  Kagome blinked, being very unintelligent in this fic (A/N gawd i h8 kagome she needs—wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE.  DAMMIT.  THERE SHALL BE NO AUTHOR NOTES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY!  And if you DO hate Kagome for random reasons and really wish to tell somebody this, spell the word out.  H-A-T-E.  h8 is NOT A WORD.  Gah.  The Sues are getting to me…)_

"Shippo, am I your mother?"

Shippo nodded.  "Yup!  You're also secretly an ultra-powerful mystic sparkly soul  dragon demon princess, whatever THAT is."

"Wow.  I can't believe I'm secretly a demon!."  Kagome blinked, then looked horrified as rational thought disappeared to be replaced by the influence of the Sues.  "I can't let Inu-Yasha know!  He'll hate me!  Oh, the angst!"  She tries to go to the corner to be angsty, but Inu-Yasha's already there and it's too much work to go to one of the three available corners…

And now, a sudden change in style occurs!

Inu-Yasha: Kagome!  How could you do this to me!  I love you!

Kagome: I love you, too!  Let's stay together forever, no matter what happens!  Oh, Inu-Yasha!

Inu-Yasha: Oh, Kagome!

Kaede: That's horrendous romantic dialogue.

Author (Woohoo!  Self-insertion!  The Sues are affecting the style of the story!): That's because I haven't ever had a boyfriend…sigh. *goes off to be angsty in the same corner, because apparently there's something wrong with the other three*

And now, Inu-Yasha is hearing voices!

Voice 1: _I've loved her for so long…my Kagome…I'm so happy…her scent is so nice…_

Voice 2: *throws up at the sappiness of Voice 1 and demands that this outrage stop at once*

Voice 3: _I'm the voice of God, Inu-Yasha, and I want you to go on a mission to save the One Ring and maybe get some slash in with Legolas, because nothing attracts readers like poorly written crossovers with slash in them_

Voice 2: GAH!  *violently beats other voices*

And the style returned to normal…

Inu-Yasha blinked.  Why the hell was he holding a very angry-looking Kagome?

"Inu-Yasha, osuwari!"  Kagome yelled, because she was suddenly not being held by Inu-Yasha and because torturing Inu-Yasha gets cheap laughs.

"Arrgh, matey!" said Kaede, who had gotten into Pirate Mode while Inu-Yasha and Kagome were being Sued.  "Thar Sues are really getting to you."

And then, because the author had no more to say, Naraku suddenly appeared and took the Shikon shards!  And the chapter ended!  A cliffhanger!  Wow!  Exclamation points!!!!!111  Badly done exclamation points!!!!!!!11!  OMG!   Stay tuned for next chapter, when the first literary device shows up!!!!11!!!  And the author sporks herself because of the stupidity!!!!!  And this particular plot line is totally forgotten because plot is destroyed by Sues!!!11!!!  And now, before we go, a few more exclamation points and a preview of next chapter:

Sesshoumaru looked deep into her stormy blue/gray eyes.  "I vow to eternally love you," he said to the Sue, who blinked, then was whacked by a furious-looking miko.

"SPLIT INFINITIVES!  SPLIT INFINITIVES!"  The miko glared.  "There shall be no split infinitives, by my decree!"

"Dear gods…did I just say what I think I said?"  Sesshoumaru had a sudden urge to kill the Sue.  No, wait, he always wanted to kill things.  That was his nature as a demon.

"Yes!  You said TO ETERNALLY LOVE YOU, not to love you eternally!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!1111!!!!!


	6. Grammar Girls

Chapter 6: Grammar Girls

D/C: I do not own Inu-Yasha.

There was something wrong…an ominous feeling in the air…a strange aura…too many ellipsis…

"Whut is goin' on?" Sesshoumaru growled.  Jaken blinked.

"WTF?  OMG sesshoumarusama, i think u r so kewl u have 1337 madd skillz and—"  Sesshoumaru whacked Jaken, because that, like the sit gag, is a timeless way of getting laughs.  "Something is amiss, Jaken," he said.  "Not even someone as stupid as you would normally speak like that."

********random scene change********

Jade had a headache.  _I should of—should HAVE, should HAVE packed some aspirin, despite the fact that that very thought was an anachronism. I almost wish I had a Sue with me, because they all know how to find some damn special plants with healing powers…_

Well, there was nothing for it.  She sighed, then finished tacking up the sign.

_Wanted: One True Love of Serenity Moonbeam_

_Description: almost undoubtedly an idiot who bases everything on looks.__  graceful and beautiful.  probably has flowing locks and deep stormy intense emotional eyes that smolder with love._

_Apply At: the frigging European fairytale castle in the middle of a huge forest of cherry trees that are always blooming._

That sounded horrible, but it was true.  Her only regret was that she had had to resort to run-on sentences…

********back to Sesshoumaru Vision, which is like Shark Cam on Discovery Channel, but more special********

The Sue smiled at him, her presence quickly destroying his brain cells.  "Oh, Sesshoumaru…"

Sesshoumaru looked deep into her stormy blue/gray eyes, trying unsuccessfully to resist the ambush the Sue had laid for him.  _It's cheating if you sneak up on me and glomp me from behind_, he thought angrily.  _I must resist.  I must be strong.  I must—_ "I vow to eternally love you," he said to the Sue.  _What the hell?__  NO NO NO NO NO!  NO!  Wait…calm down…it isn't dignified to…GAH!  I said I loved her, and now I'm STILL out of character!  _The Sue blinked, smiled happily, then was whacked by a furious-looking miko trying to get to Sesshoumaru.

"SPLIT INFINITIVES!  SPLIT INFINITIVES!"  The miko glared.  "There shall be no split infinitives, by my decree!"

"Dear gods…did I just say what I think I said?"  Sesshoumaru had a sudden urge to kill the Sue.  No, wait, he always wanted to kill things.  That was his nature as a demon.

"Yes!  You said TO ETERNALLY LOVE YOU, not to love you eternally!"

"I said I loved her?  I was that out-of-character?"  Sesshoumaru was horrified.  _There's only one way to make up for this grievous error_, he thought happily, and ripped the Sue's head off.  "Kono Sesshoumaru hates Sues."

"You did NOT just say 'Kono Sesshoumaru' when referring to yourself."  The miko slapped her forehead.  "Please, tell me you didn't say that."

"Excuse me?"  Sesshoumaru glared.  _Is she another Sue?_

"The stupidity is painful," the woman hissed, because hissing is a fun word to use instead of spoke, even though it changes this little thing called CONTEXT.  Normal people do not hiss.  "The grammar is just so horrendous…it's like a fire in my brain."

In a sudden, plot-furthering burst of understanding, Sesshoumaru realized that the obsessive-compulsive miko was actually Canonica's handmaiden, Grammar.  _Bloody quest for bloody psychotic handmaidens and bloody author who is using british swearwords when everyone KNOWS the way to do foreign things is with fangirl Japanese._  

"Silence," he said, ignoring the voices in his head.  'I must have somehow developed schizophrenia overnight.'

"What does that mean?"  Grammar looked suspicious.  "You do know that you're using the wrong punctuation.  Or did you think that lopping off poor defenseless quotation marks makes your inner voice shut up?"

Sesshoumaru growled.  _'If she wasn't necessary for destroying Sues, I'd kill her.'_

Grammar sighed.  "Using italics doesn't work either," she said.  "Trust me on this one."


	7. I of the Tiger

Chapter 7: I of the Tiger

The Orange of Doom would like to note a few things.  From now on, the Sues' influence will sometimes be shown stylistically as well as through the writer's witty commentary and subtle jests.  So when things get strange, just go with the flow…

A/N hahaha sorry it took me THREE WHOLE HOURS to update.  I know u guyz were just so upset u couldnt read my brilliant masterpiece of literary awesomeness and i totally don't own inuyasha cuz i'm not rumiko-sensei so don't Sue me.

Jade stared at the old woman.  _Where the hell__ am I?  One second it's another damned clearing, and now some old hag is muttering something strange about mystic powers and fate._

The said hag looked discerningly at Jade, even though Jade wasn't sure how somebody could look discerningly.  It was just the presence of the adverb that mattered.

"I can see a dark future for you.  There is much pain in your life.  Every day you experience unspeakable horrors."

_My god!__  She knows about the Sues!  Or is this just random dramatic crap?  And WHY am I here?_

"You have many questions, and I can answer them all!"  The witch looked dramatic, reminding Jade suddenly of Kaede, even though they had never met.  _Damned irrational and impossible  powers_,she thought darkly.  "I know why you have come to me!  It is because of—DRAMATIC CONVENTION!!!"

"Dramatic convention…"  Jade shook her head.  In a burst of ominous foreshadowing, she felt as if those words meant something more to her than an idiotic excuse to brutally rape canon.  She was almost tempted to go into an angsty flashback.

"Drink this potion, and all will become clear!"  The witch handed a small crystal vial to Jade and laughed maniacally before vanishing.

"Why the hell not?" Jade muttered, staring at the potion.  "It's not pink and sparkly, so it probably didn't originate from a Sue.  Besides, they're _never _realistically ugly."  She unstoppered the potion and, earning herself this particular chapter's Idiot Prize, drank it…

And the world changed.  Or, rather, the point of view.  Whichever you find more important.

***Jade Vision***

I stared at the clearing, shaking my head.  The bloody potion hadn't done anything.  Why the HELL had I been dragged here, just to witness such a stupid thing?  It didn't make any sense.

Sighing, I stood.  I still had to find that bint's One Twu Wuv, unfortunately.

God, sometimes I hate my life.

***Sesshoumaru Vision***

For some reason, I felt like the world had changed.  Grammar jumped suddenly and made an irritated noise.  I gave her a death glare, concentrated on remaining in character, and returned to imagining inventive ways to destroy the Sues who wanted to be my mates.

Someday I'll kill them all, I cackled, forgetting to use quotation marks and earning myself a glare from Grammar.

***Grammar Vision***

I didn't hear any quotation marks from that!  And he cackled!  And there were no quotes!  And I'm not speaking grammatically, either!  And why the hell is this story suddenly in a different viewpoint?  

It had been *relatively* normal—GAH.  NO. THERE WILL BE NO NETSPEAK IN THIS.  It had been relatively normal—well, totally screwed up, which was arguably normal in Sue-infested areas—and then something had changed.  I didn't know how to describe it without borrowing terms from another fandom, because my powers of Grammar and Syntax embrace all writing and aren't exactly known for creative license.

Simply put, I had felt a disturbance in the force.

*******MORE RANDOM MARKINGS DENOTING END OF ACTUAL CHAPTER*****

And the grammar and style will get much, much worse…

Now, the essential enigmatic and mind-numbing notes for my random reviewers whose names I made up!  I sincerely hope nobody seriously has these as their pen names…that would be sad.

pUnKgOtHnErDgRRl12345—omg yes it is!  i'm not saying WHAT it is or what It is but u r so TOTALLY right and all my other reviewers are totally clueless!

fluffys_hanyu_mate—lol that rox!  u totally read my mind for the next chappie!

whutzcanon?—yes, it IS totally a sere/sesshy pairing (Orange of Doom would like to interject here, for the sake of sanity, that it bloody well ISN'T anything of the sort and her sue-spawn author is an idiot)

I Have Taste—u r SOO mean just cuz u r jealous of my writing skills doesnt mean you can flame me b/c this story ROX and your just a jerk


	8. Chapter 8, the Eigth Chapter

Chapter 8: The Eigth Chapter.  In all chapters, this is the eighth thereof, making this (the chapter) eight in number.

This disclaimer was brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department brought you this disclaimer: I do now own Inu-Yasha, which is not mine.

***Jade Vision***

Common sense—I have to find somebody with common sense.  I hate this, really I do.  It's like a fire in my brain.  It burns!  And what the hell is up with this redundancy?

Suddenly I saw Kikyo and I walked over to her, because she was suddenly there to further the plot.

Kikyo turned to look at me and her eyes were filled with fire and hatred.  "Come with me…to HELL!" she shouted.  "No longer am I a complex character with deep emotional reasons for what I do; I'm a vindictive bitch bent on irrationally destroying everything!  Bwahahahaha!"

I blinked, blinking in surprise.  _She's out of character_, I thought, marveling at how out of character—I stopped.  I would NOT be redundant.  Not when the style was already so screwed up, with the POV changed around.

Style…Dramatic Convention…I blinked as random foreshadowing thoughts ran through my head.  Point of View…ellipsis…angst…

I gave myself a mental headslap.  _Stop being an idiot.  Obviously, something is wrong, and you have to figure out what it is!_

***Kikyo Vision***

Mwahahahaha!  I hate them all!  Die!  Die!  Die!

***Jade Vision***

There must be a lot of Sues nearby, I thought.  Kikyo is really OOC.  It was getting irritating.

Suddenly, I realized what was the matter.  This wasn't Kikyo at all, but a dreaded Kikyo-Sue.  Sighing, I grabbed my dagger and flung it at the Sue, who did the sparkly-death thing Sues tend to do rather than bleed their guts out.  It was really quite unsatisfying.

I continued my journey, looking for something.  The redundancy seemed to be better, even if the Point of View issues remained.  _It's the handmaidens of Canonica_, I thought, then shook my head.  Once again, my illogical ability to know everything happening was doing strange things with my mind.  I had spent too much time with Serenity.

I stopped in front of a temple, because it seemed like a good place for the plot to be developed.  Usually, forest clearings or rivers did the job; occasionally, rural villages were used.  But there were none of those around, so temples were the next best place to meet somebody new or have a startling revelation.

I saw another woman, cradling her head in her hands.  She must have heard me, because she looked up.  When she saw me, she blinked.

"Thank goodness you're here/I was going so crazy/Wishing they were gone!"  She smiled at me.  "In all of the world/The most horrible demon/Is that of the Sue."

I blinked.  She was speaking in haiku.  That was a sure sign of mental instability.

"Why are you here?" I asked, prepared to kill her if she was a Sue, which seemed unlikely.  Any poetry they wrote would be a lot worse, because it would try to be romantic or angsty.

"I am their captive/Bound here to suffer their words/It's melting my brain."  She shook her head.  "It's like a fire/The stupidity—it burns/Gods preserve us all."

"So…the Sues imprisoned you?"  She must be Style, I realized.  Nobody else would bother speaking in haiku.

"To put it plainly/I am indeed that Lady/Whom you need so much."  I sighed.  I _did_ need Style if I was going to stop the Sues…but the haiku was a bit too much.  I had only spoken with the Literary Device for a few minutes, but already I had a headache.

***Style Vision***

Something is wrong here/A warping of this story/Who is this woman?

Now I shake my head/Wondering if this person/Knows what's happening.

What the hell is wrong?/Serenity's  influence/Is growing too fast.

*******Orange Vision (or, the end of the chapter)*******

Wow.  I almost respect the Sue authors.  It takes some incredibly warped talent to write that badly.  Either that or a total _lack_ of talent.  Unfortunately, I suspect the latter, which makes me want to bludgeon the authors in addition to the Sues.


	9. Wish Upon A Shikon

Chapter 9—Wish Upon A Shikon

Or…the Orange of Doom apologizes in advance for the sheer idiocy contained with this chapter as she falls even further into degradation and insanity as she attempts to write without grammar, style, or common sense.

Forgive me.  That should be _grammer_.

Disclaimer: Fortunately, I don't own Inu-Yasha.  If I did, I think I would shoot myself after reading how horribly Suethors butcher my masterpiece.

***Jade Vision***

I was really, really getting sick of Style, who solemnly refused to stop speaking in haiku.  At least the grammar was correct.

"I think that we are/Getting closer to the end/Of our long journey," she said.  I ignored this, since I didn't see how a five-minute walk could be called a long journey.  Must be poetic license…

***Style Vision***

I think that she is/Getting irritated with/My brilliant work.

I wonder if she/Has long been with tEh 3VIiL/Whom I call the Sue?

She seems much angered/I imagine that she was/With her far too long.

Amazing!  She speaks/Telling me to be quiet/Before she kills me.

Such violence is not/Right…I need more syllables/To finish this off.

***Sesshoumaru Vision***

I wondered vaguely why Grammar was twitching every few seconds, but decided very quickly that I didn't care.  After she corrected me for the twelfth time, though, I realized that to remain in-character, something had to be done.

***Grammar Vision***

I'm not really sure why the author keeps switching between past and present tense.  Nor am I sure why Sesshoumaru is scowling.  Perhaps it was something I said?

Did he just growl?  I'm not sure if that's grammatically proper or not…are there special exceptions for dog demons…or should that be _inuyoukai_, from Fangirl Japanese?  Should 'Fangirl Japanese' be capitalized?  Should 'inuyoukai' be italicized?  Should my right eye be twitching?

And why are his eyes glowing?  Why did I start that sentence with a conjunction?  Why—

***Sesshoumaru Vision***

I had to admit that it was satisfying to drop Grammar off that cliff.  Chances are that she survived, of course, because she is a goddess of sorts.  I would have killed her myself, but apparently that would give those hellish Sues far more power.

"Sesshy!"  The shrill voice grated my ears.  "Sesshy, look!"  I turned, dreading the sight that I knew awaited my still-glowing eyes.  Indeed, there was a Sue, her long dark hair shining stupidly in the glow that I suspected she herself was giving off.  In her petite, thin-boned hands she clutched what appeared, to my surprise, to be the Shikon Jewel.

I knew, however, that my brother's woman and the demon Naraku had most of the Jewel.  Clearly, something was wrong.

"Sesshy, I got the Jewel!  Now I can be a full demon and you can marry me!"

Since when do demons get married, I wondered.  And since when was I even interested in this idiot?

Without hesitating, I drew my blade and sliced the Sue's head off.  The false Jewel disappeared even as the Sue dissolved into a puff of pink glitter.

My face impassive, I turned back towards my path, ignoring the telltale perfumed scent that meant that even more Sues were hot on my trail—probably all with their own fake Shikon shards, which most definitely didn't make their owners any stronger.

***Jade Vision***

In the end, I had to gag Style to get her to shut up.  Despite my efforts, though, she kept talking.

"Mmph-mmph-mmphum-mmph/mm mmphum mm-hmm mmphum/mmph mmph mmmmphum!"

I ignored that, deciding instead to focus on the rather battered miko who was sitting by the side of the road glaring at me.  I couldn't hear her saying anything, but her thoughts seemed to be mostly about ellipsis.

***Grammar Vision***

That bastard…er…that baka…no, no fangirl—Fangirl—Japanese…is that right?  Should I take out some of those ellipsis?  What's making that muffled sound?  And do I need a few nice, long complex sentences in here?  Were those commas correct?  And I really shoud do something about all these ellipsis…

***Style Vision***

Is that not Grammar/Who sits there scowling as if/She was quite confused?

I wonder if she/Has recently escaped a/Sue or other beast?

And why is she so/Upset about ellipsis/Place syllables here.

I need to be more/Creative about what I/Say in these haiku.

***Grammar Vision***

The first person hurts my mind…augh!  Ellipsis!  MUST-DESTROY-ELLIPSIS!  MUST-HYPHENATE-WORDS-THAT-ARE-IMPROPERLY-CAPITALIZED.  Or, should, I use, too, many, commas?

The, commas, burn, my brain,!!!11!one!

***Jade Vision***

These people are all nutcases.  And could we stick with a single person's viewpoint for at least five sentences for once?

***Grammar Vision***  
That, does it.  I must, take, a stand.  I must grab the bull by the horns, the wolf by the ears, the tiger by the tail, and various and sundry other clichés.  I must do something, about this horrible writ,ing and end, my turn speaking, as this is my fourth sentence, and I should try to obey ,the limit, set upon such things.

***Style  Vision***

If only there was/Some way of getting this thing's/Point of View restored!

***Jade Vision***

This is ridiculous.  Style keeps grunting in syllabic sets that sound suspiciously like they could be haiku, and Grammar is using commas as if she was addicted to them.  Isn't one of the handmaidens of Canonica supposed to be Point of View? What the hell did she do to cause this mess?

***And, in a burst of foreshadowing that creates an enormous plot hole, the story switches back to third person without any sort of explanation***

***Random asterisks here for no reason at all***

***There is no more Jade Vision, so the following symbols will be used to indicate who's thinking: (…) is Jade, *…* is Sesshy-san, +…+ is Grammar, !!!one1!!!...!!!one1!!! is Style, ***…*** is the author, who thinks saying that 'he thought' and 'she thought' are overly complicated.***

Jade sighed in relief, noting with glee that not only was point of view restored but that the author had already forgotten the daft thought system she had dreamed up.  Two of the handmaidens of Canonica, Grammar and Style, had been rescued from the Sues, even though Grammar seemed to think that she'd met somebody almost as terrifying.  Happily, though, she had declined further comment, choosing instead to berate her sister Style about the slashes she used when denoting line changes in her haiku.

*~*~*those funky chapter-ending marks*~*~*

Orange of Doom's Notes:  Personally, I'm thrilled that Style and Grammar are back in the picture, as it makes my job much easier.  For starters, it gives me an excuse to revert to my regular writing style (I'm a grammar nazi at heart).  It also means that I'll get fewer headaches from trying to force myself to overuse commas.

Spelling, unfortunately, isn't a handmaiden of Canonica and is therefore fair game, as it were.  sO ph33r m3 (or some of my characters, as the case may be) 4 i sp33k teh 3vil!!1!one

Dammit, that makes my head hurt even worse than the commas did…


End file.
